June 3, 1999:
I've got a few things on my mind this time...I know it's been a
while, but you know a man's got to do what a man's got to do...but the main thing is that
I'm back now!
So, now I've experienced the "joys" of
parenthood
for the first time. Mom brought me in to meet my new little family (Apelia's C-litter), and I
sniffed around in the kitten box. Franctly, the whoe thing smelled rather strange - blood,
like something was wrong, and the little white *things* squealing and crying really
didn't make me feel any better. Actually, I felt a little scarred. Was I supposed to find
the whole thing interesting? Out of respect to the mother, Kiia, who blinked at me in a
proud way, I stuck around for a minute or so, but then I was out of there REALLY FAST.
That was just not my type of thing. And later, when these three "kittens", as
they're called, started running around, eating the food meant for ME, I really found the
whole thing rather distressful. I mean, I can't eat them, I can't mate them...so what are
they good for?
And to top it all off, my
people don't understand that I'm
STILL frustrated! I don't care that I've helped make the kittens, I just want the women!
And so when I don't get to have them, I talk about it - very LOUDLY, and preferably also
to the neighbors! I thought maybe this would be a good tactic to either attract the girls,
or to make my people understand that I NEED lot's of girls here. Well, I have to
say that I'm very disappointed...I mean, can you believe that instead of attracting the
girls, they go away into a corner with their paws over their ears to keep out my
*beautiful* seranades?! I mean, how insulting!! I think my manly serenades are great, but
I've realised that it's not too popular when I do my crescendo part, because then I get
put in my room really fast.
Now, I love my Mom and Dad, but I have to say the saying applies
here: CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM (they really are a cramp to my style)...CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM
(who else would cater to my every need?).
Well, now I'm soon going to be a Daddy for the second time, and I
still don't understand the use of it! Can anyone explain it to me? Am I supposed to think
that having little hoolagans running around here is fun? I guess I'm just to classy to
understand this.
Well, have a good one till next time!
Yours truly,
Hampus
February 5, 1999:
As you may remember from the last time I wrote here, I was very
sexually frustrated, and starting to feel like I wasn't a real man. Well now there's good
news - it looks like I'm going to be a Daddy in March '99. I'll tell you though, it was
quite an exhausting thing trying to find out how this all worked. I mean just the part of
where to place my hind legs was exhausting enough, and then doing the really important
part was a challenge in itself. Actually, I'm pretty proud of myself if all of this trying
and failing has resulted in anything - though it looks like it! Well, our family's motto
is "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again"!
I had thought of ordering an instruction video, but couldn't find
one specifically for cats. Now in my oppinion this is almost a direct insult to us as a
race...society just hasn't opened it's eyes to how important we really are, and that they
need to cater more to our needs!
Kiia is the lucky girl who hopefully is going to have my children
in March. But I don't have any plans on retiring from the dating game just yet - I have
goals on becoming a real Casanova...I just need a little practice. The hardest part about
that is finding a partner to practice with! Noone seems interested at the moment! Oh well,
life goes on, and the girls are getting older...and more interesting! There's always
something to look forward to!...it's the waiting part that's the problem
Yours truly,
Hampus
November 18, 1998:
I really need to write about something that's keeping me up nights now. It's
really not easy to talk about, but I'm going to make an extra effort! You see, I have a
growing feeling that something vital is missing from my life. When I was younger (4-5
months ago), I couldn't define what it was that was missing, but now I know - I need to be
a Father! I'm a sexually frustrated young man in a household of uninterested females! I've
tried to talk to Dad about this, but he just pets me and thinks that my frustration will
go away with that!
I've tried different past-times to keep my mind off of this growing frustration
- doing laps around the cat yard, taking extra naps, and I've even thought of joining a
support group on the Internet...I just haven't found one that fits my problem!
Any suggestions?!?
Yours truly,
Hampus
October 9, 1998:
OK, so it's been a while since I've gotten around to writing something
here...that's what happens when I have to depend on Mom to help me write this column - I'm
never a priority (sniff! sniff!)
There's a little something I've been wanting to bring up - it's about a saying
that I'm sure we all know very well: "When the cat is away, the mice will
play". Now, ever since I heard these words, I've tried to figure it out.
I've watched the play mice we have here, and have even tried to spy on them when they
thought I was asleep or away. But nothing happens!
Maybe we have the wrong kind of mice here...after all, some of them are knitted
by grandma, and some are from shows, and smell good (could it be catnip?!)...but the
saying doesn't specify anything about what type of mice have all
the fun, now does it?!
Yours truly,
Hampus
July 16, 1998:
Well, it's about that time again...missed me? (what a dumb question...of course
you have!)
Since Mom & Dad built us our "outside terrace" (that sounds much
more suave and sophisticated than "cat run"), I just haven't had a chance to sit
down and do my job as editor of this page. Oh well, it's Summer, and my motto is:
"Enjoy Lif to it's Fullest!"
Well, back to the matter at hand - what to write about here in my column. I
thought I'd jot down some thoughts on seasonal fashions and atire for us felines...I mean,
since there's no fashion magazine for us, someone has to address this issue...might as
well be me!
Now, as all of us know, we cats shed our Winter coats right around this time.
This can be compared to humans "shedding" their Winter clothes and putting on
something lighter and more fitting for the warmer weather. OK, so we shed our furr all
over the place, while they pack theirs away in boxes, or hang them away for the Summer.
What's really the big deal here? They're here to clean up after us anyways, so what's a
little more work for them cleaning up our shedded furr?
We hear that we're not in good "coat condition" at this time of year.
Well hey, it's hot, it's a fashion statement, cooler and more appropriate for the Summer
Season! Personally, I have to say that being judged by a judge wearing t-shirt &
jeans
who says we could be in "better coat condition" is rather ironic, isn't it?
Maybe they should look in the mirror themselves before they judge us!
Now there are always those "stray cats" who have to stick out from the
crowd and be opposite - they get their fluffy coat at about this time. But they can have
their heavy Winter coats on during the Summer - it's hot enough as it is for me!
The one really important and cool thing to point out when addressing our fashion
trends is that when we grow back our thick Winter coats, it's all NEW!...we don't like
"used atire"! Humans dig their used Winter clothes out again...commoners!
The bottom line...and my Summer wish for all of you felines out there is: "Dont
Worry - be HAPPY"...and don't let your humans stress you out now when it's
vacation!
Yours truly,
Hampus
May 31, 1998:
Since this is a column for us felines, I will allow myself to be totally
candid and honest in my reflections. I hope no two-legged readers are offended, but if you
are, well that's just tough luck!
I would like to voice some of my thoughts and opinions around the
strange phenomenon these people call "cat shows".
All i know is that on show days we have to get up really early...my beauty sleep
is shattered (how do you think we Birmans keep our good looks?!?!...at least 8 hours of
sleep a night + + + ). Then it's rush, rush, rush to the car, and off we go. This part is
fine - I like riding in the car, but what's really the point of these trips?
When we get the the show hall, they decorate a cage for us to sit in, and try to make it
cozy - right, like a metal cage can be cozy?! They complain that their day is long -
well, how do they think we feel after being cooped up in a cage all day...having people
stare at us.
Then, the only time we get to come out, it's only to be taken up to a person called a
"judge", who points, turns us, looks at our more "private parts", and
then gives us points. Now, maybe it's just me there's something wrong with, but I really
don't feel the need to get up early and travel somewhere just for someone to tell me that
I'm good looking - I can hear this at home. In fact, why don't my people just have the
judge send me my ribbon in the mail, then we could all enjoy our weekend!
Not only do the judges check us from top to toe, but they also have the nerve to say if we
are "well presented" or not... after having gone through the ordeal of being
bathed (hey, anyone seen the article on "Cat bathing as a martial art???...!"),
brushed, blowdryed, brushed som more, etc, etc, etc..., I think they should go through
this whole process themselves (playing the part of the cat, of course), and then
they could "cast their stones". We should all get medals for putting up with the
whole "showbiz" wolrd...and what is it all for?...getting some kind of title and
ribbon that really doesn't mean anything to us cats...we can't eat it, we can't mate it,
so why do we need it?
To be totally honest, I think these people do this whole thing for themselves - not for
us!
Anyone want to second my oppinion?
Yours truly,
Hampus
